Quiet

I love rehearsing sheet music while running on the elliptical. It takes so much coordination (of which I have little) and therefore occupies my brain in a way few other activities do. I'm constantly working to find the "quiet" for my own brain. It's rare that I'm not buzzing with thoughts, and I know quieting that isn't really supposed to be work. For me, though, meditation is work. I enjoy it, but I'm always fighting myself for peace. Again, I get it. Let the thoughts wash over you, but don't follow them. I just haven't mastered that yet.

If I'm not doing at least three things, I almost don't know how to function. Maybe that's part of the problem with the internal chatter. Or maybe that's how I think I can soften the chatter. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't so anxiety-ridden. It's not simply thoughts; it's a continual review of anything I've messed up on in the last 20 years and how those things make me a terrible person. Then I continue to relive those choices. "Why didn't I say this instead?" "Why haven't I learned to slow down before I speak and get myself in trouble?" That's why I hate the middle of the night. I'm alone with my brain, and it doesn't let me forget anything. When I could be resting and replenishing myself, I'm busy beating myself up.

A deep-seated fear that the people close to you will leave you does strange things to your brain, which is why I think I send myself into a spiral so easily. I'm constantly giving myself reality checks, but it isn't enough. I have to work to be better at cutting myself slack and learning from my mistakes. How can I take these events and use them to be better tomorrow? How can I give myself some mental rest, rather than laying awake and rehashing every negative action in my adult life? I teach "progress, not perfection," but I'm terrible at leading by example at that. Man, even in that sentence, I'm criticizing myself. The idea that I see myself as less proficient at allowing myself to not be perfect is silly and kind of hilarious. I guess at least I see that and am aware of it. Through that, hopefully I can begin to find the quiet space in my mind.