Loss

We've all lost loved ones. It's part of the human experience. It's how we process things that differs. This is a day that makes me more thoughtful about this subject. This would've been the birthday of one of my best friends, but we lost him to brain cancer far too young.

The thing that resonates the most with me is how strange it is how quickly someone is gone. We have such a short time together, and it doesn't matter how much time you have with someone you love, it's not enough. And then in the blink of an eye, they're just gone. And in the low, quiet moments when I think about Greg, the "he lives on in your memory" doesn't really help. Let's be honest: there are times when than sentiment is lovely, but there are times when it doesn't matter. He can't answer my calls, he can't complain about my taste in movies, and he can't laugh at me for my lack of car knowledge. He's gone.

These moments are when I'm grateful for technology, because I can look back on text messages, Facebook messages, and all the videos Michael made. For me, that's how Greg's memory continues. Michael and I watch the old videos, and we still find stories to tell that the other hasn't heard. We laugh over all the silly things we did and marvel at how much older we've all gotten. Time can be sneaky.

My mid-30s have been a time of small revelations. Mostly they're silly things: I don't like celery and have been lying to myself my whole life. Today, though, I had the realization that if it weren't for Greg, I don't know if Michael and I would've started dating. Some of you know that I have a core group of friends, and we've been tight since high school. Greg was friends with everyone, and he was the one who helped pull me into the group I still call my best friends. Without that, Michael may still have been ignoring me, and who knows where I would be now. It certainly wouldn't be as wonderful as the life I share with Michael.

I think the other thing that gets me about today is that it's bracketed by the birthdays of one of my nieces and one of my nephews. Those kiddos are awfully dear to me, and there's something incredible about their birthdays being on either side of his.

Many of you know that I process a lot of things verbally. I'll go on talking about something to work out a solution or to understand what I'm feeling. It's not that I expect you to respond, it's that I'm working things through out loud. It's how I move on from something, and it's why I have very few secrets. I'm just not good at keeping things to myself. I suppose that's what this is all about. I need a place to dislodge all of this from my brain, and I suppose this is the best place.

So what, then, do I take from this? As always, it's a reminder to be better. How can I be as good of a friend to others as Greg was to me? How can I use my own pain to help others through theirs? At the end of the day, that's all I'm looking for: to help others and leave things ever so slightly better.