Being aware of your own weaknesses doesn't always mean you know how to manage them or improve them. For example, I can feel when my anxiety is growing and spiraling, but that doesn't mean I can fix it. I start pulling my hair, have constant stomachaches, and am generally restless and fidgety, but I seem unable to resolve it. And in fact, sometimes that knowledge makes it even more difficult. Stepping back from myself and seeing the anxiety build and not knowing how to change it makes me more anxious. This simultaneous experience/observation brings me to the verge of tears and leaves me more tightly wound than the "original" anxiety.
My subconscious thought process becomes something along the lines of:
If I keep myself busy, I won't have time to be anxious/observe my anxiety. If I'm watching something on TV and on my phone, I don't have time to think about what I'm feeling. If I'm running on the elliptical machine and working on sheet music, there's no space for me to reflect on every error I've made over the last 34 years. This is more than just considering a misstep and learning from it; I make a concerted effort to do that. This is a spiral over one sentence I may have said 10 years ago without thinking through the outcome of those words and then utilizing that experience (and others like it) to determine that I am, in fact, a terrible person, unworthy of the love of friends family, and my spouse, and undeserving of my career.
When I put that all down and re-read it, it sounds crazy. That's what it's like to be inside my head. I really feel that way and am always looking for ways to re-center and relax myself. This too shall pass, right?
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