Sunday, August 28, 2016

Awareness

Being aware of your own weaknesses doesn't always mean you know how to manage them or improve them. For example, I can feel when my anxiety is growing and spiraling, but that doesn't mean I can fix it. I start pulling my hair, have constant stomachaches, and am generally restless and fidgety, but I seem unable to resolve it. And in fact, sometimes that knowledge makes it even more difficult. Stepping back from myself and seeing the anxiety build and not knowing how to change it makes me more anxious. This simultaneous experience/observation brings me to the verge of tears and leaves me more tightly wound than the "original" anxiety.

My subconscious thought process becomes something along the lines of:
If I keep myself busy, I won't have time to be anxious/observe my anxiety. If I'm watching something on TV and on my phone, I don't have time to think about what I'm feeling. If I'm running on the elliptical machine and working on sheet music, there's no space for me to reflect on every error I've made over the last 34 years. This is more than just considering a misstep and learning from it; I make a concerted effort to do that. This is a spiral over one sentence I may have said 10 years ago without thinking through the outcome of those words and then utilizing that experience (and others like it) to determine that I am, in fact, a terrible person, unworthy of the love of friends family, and my spouse, and undeserving of my career.

When I put that all down and re-read it, it sounds crazy. That's what it's like to be inside my head. I really feel that way and am always looking for ways to re-center and relax myself. This too shall pass, right?

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Simplicity

At least I can say this: the waves of anxiety are ebbing. I'm still tense and wound up, but not nearly to the same extent as I was the last few days.

I mentioned recently that I was dealing with the anniversary of a close friend's death, and because of that, we were watching videos from high school and college. That, partnered with my binge of Stranger Things, has put me in a wistful state. Not in a "I wish I was 17 again" way, but in a yearning for a simpler time in my life. Maybe it's just because I'm getting older, and every day puts me closer to 35. I find myself longing for the time when I didn't have a cell phone and when summer break still existed.

I adore my husband and my job, and I certainly don't want to be in high school again. As I write this (from my smart phone, to which I am frustratingly attached), I think about when we were unavailable. When riding bikes aimlessly and walkie talkies were the coolest.

I think, that rather than viewing that time through rose colored glasses, I will work to find that same freedom and joy in my current life. In the same way I want to relax as fully as my cats do, I want to experience pure freedom and excitement the way a child does. I know I can do it.

Monday, August 1, 2016

More anxiety

I can feel it. It's the tipping point in between barely keeping it together and tears. On one hand, I want to unleash it so I can move on. On the other, I push to keep myself in one piece. It doesn't help that I've not slept much, but being exhausted doesn't seem to make me sleep any better. So it remains right under the surface; the panic, the despair, the pain. If I can maintain another day or so, it'll be okay, I think.